omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
