i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
