I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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