Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
