Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
