she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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