Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
