Yo dont text me then not text me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
