mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
