I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
