im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
