Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
