it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Randomize
