I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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