he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
