Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
