Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
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Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
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I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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