got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
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No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
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The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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