All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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