The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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