i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
