I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
