Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
