My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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