The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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