Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
