So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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