He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I can't put those talents on a resume
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize