i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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