If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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