I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
