How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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