You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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