Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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