too bad you live with your parents still
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
