I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
