GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
