You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
