Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
