you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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