I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
