Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
