Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
