So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
