just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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