I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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