So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
