He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I said "one day" and that day is not today
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
