I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
