just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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