My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
