I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
