nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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