Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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