its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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