i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
