I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
