just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
