here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
